young and beautiful

so i was thinking today...well i guess the past week.

and i was really down on myself.

like REALLY down on myself.
i've been really lazy, and really just non-
existent.

and i really hate that. i really hate not being who i really am, and not trying at all.



the school year is almost out....and i'm a senior so of course i'm going to be lazy, but seriously this is out of control. i don't even get out of bed early enough to freaking wear anything except a tshirt and jeans..you'll be lucky enough to see me without my hair up and my motivation to do anything except sleep after school is very rare. i seriously am not happy with myself.


i need that extra kick in the butt.

i've felt i wasn't good enough, i wasn't pretty enough, i wasn't 'cool' enough, i wasn't anything.
but i am. i'm beautiful, i'm strong, i'm good enough, i'm worth it. i have everything that god has given me.


i think the reason i've been doing this is the past month i've been called to do some senior stuff. which calls for dressing nice, doing your hair, wearing the right shoes, getting the right outfit and i just feel out of place because i'm not that kind of girl. i wear whatever is on the floor and smells good and i don't give a flying crap what everyone else thinks. and that's fine and everything, but it's also okay to look pretty and look fun and even though you don't want to get out of bed, you feel better when you look better. at least in personal experience, when i wake up and get ready, and i feel good about myself, my day goes better. rather than when i wake up late, and get that extra thirty minutes and throw on that tshirt that came off the floor that i might have worn yesterday (who really knows.) and i think that's what really counts. it's okay to lose that little extra time, just to make your day better.

i also feel better when i eat better. eating the right food isn't hard for me. i'm not sure why....but i hate sweets. i love sugar just like any other person. but i don't go home and eat ice cream or cake or chips and stuff. i'd rather have an apple or some strawberries and stuff. i'm not sure why, BUT THANK YOU GOD FOR THIS.

i also felt better in the summer after i biked. my teacher usually takes us all biking and i was going usually every other weekend. so i was pretty in shape. it was great. i got out so many emotions and after that bike ride i felt empowered. i just miss that feeling i guess. so this week....well really this past 3 hours that i haven't been able to sleep i've decided i'm going to do just that.

i'm going to get up, i'm going to do my best, i'm going to eat my best, and i'm going to be active. i feel this is beauty. i feel being the best i can be is beautiful. and i thank god i had this time to think.....even though this is going to be really hard to get up in about 5 or so hours and conquer what i've just typed....i am going to do it.


i hope someone else out there is feeling the same way and i hope you can go with me through this time!

thanks for reading.