what in the world.

i think i have too much on my mind. and yes, i realize i'm a teenager so these kinds of things happen. but honestly, my brain hurts from so much thinking and not so much writing. maybe i should do this everyday... i'll give it some thought. anyway.


i think sometimes i try and take on things way beyond my maturity level & that probably adds to the stress of my life. i also know that relationships are a huge part of this time in my life. highschool, highschool, highschool. curse you. i think that boys are a rare species only here to confuse and irritate the female species but at the same time, also make us fall madly and deeply in love with their flaws, highs and lows, and even that shirt that you absolutely hate that he wears you love it, because he wears it. have you ever said something that you meant something different? like, "i'm fine, just don't talk to me right now."? just because you want them to be say something so radical it takes your heart and makes it float all the way to your brain? going out places with this person makes you feel like a million bucks. writing each other letters, that's the best. i love writing. i know girls aren't perfect. i mean no one is. but anyway. boys handle our changing of decisions, cravings of food, wanting to go somewhere then changing your mind and just want to stay at home and watch a movie, controlling the radio in the car. i feel bad sometimes, but then i think about being treated like his princess. shouldn't all girls be treated that way? i know i am. thank you daddy. i want a boy to take my hand and somehow i feel as though i'm floating on a cloud. i want to watch a movie and think, thank god for my man. i want him to know me better than i know myself. i want a guy like my daddy, who knows how to fix everything. who cooks meals to where i don't even want to go out to eat anymore. who can make the tears go away. who know my hearts desires. loves my messy room. can take me at my worst. my prince charming.








i know that this is probably not what i normally write about, or what should even be coming out of my mouth. considering i have tyler. but hey. no ones perfect. & trust me- of all people me and tyler aren't perfect.

i miss all the old days. like when i'd look at him and blush. when we were awkward and never knew if it was okay to hug or not. or knew what each other was thinking. i miss when we didn't even know each other's favorite color.

when we started getting to know each other, we got involved in both families. we started getting into deeper conversation. and we knew what each other was thinking. we always did the same thing. every single day. it became a routine. it became less fun to see him and more fun to be alone. and i always had this feeling the pit of my stomach thinking, "well if i don't hang out with him, he'll leave me." i never wanted to disapoint. being the people pleaser that i am, i always hung out with him. i became more and more bored of our time together. i could tell you what we were doing every single day after school. it was stupid. i hated it. my life was so predictable. i'm tired of it. and yes, i post alllll the time how much i like him and how he's amazing. but it's on rare occasion that i feel this. shouldn't it be all the time? i don't know what to do. i've prayed and prayed. and i've talked to tyler about this. but you know, you can't pick night time to talk about this stuff. because talk is so cheap at night. has anyone else realized that? because you wake up the next day and you're like did i really say that? did i really mean it?

i want someone to make a promise to me that they will actually keep. i want someone to make me feel like a princess, everyday. i don't want to give up. i feel like i'm chasing something i'll never catch. the prize i'll never get. i want to make this work. i want to fix this, but i'm tired of being the only one pulling the weight. i don't know what else to say or do. i can't keep begging for things to change. i can't keep holding on to something that won't pull through. i can't keep getting my hopes up. i'm so emotionally tired it's starting to take it's toll. i can't even read books without starting to think about this. normally when i read i'm so into the book i don't even know what's going on outside of it. it's ridiculous. i need advice. i need a hug. i want to make things right.

but i can't let go.